


The Bachelor

by CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020), Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: AU - The Bachelor, Aerith is a little shit, Cloud Strife Is So Done, Confused Cloud Strife, Crack, Everyone Loves Cloud Strife, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal/pseuds/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal
Summary: This Fall, one man and a ragtag group of suitors will embark on an epic journey to find love.Or,Cloud wakes up in a world where everyone he's ever met - living and dead - is vying for his affections.Who. Will. He. Choose?*Just 3000 words of pure crack because I needed stress relief from Election season*
Relationships: Aerith Gainsborough/Cloud Strife, Cid Highwind & Cloud Strife, Cid Highwind/Cloud Strife, Cloud Strife & Everyone, Cloud Strife/Everyone, Jessie/Cloud Strife, Reno/Cloud Strife, Rufus Shinra/Cloud Strife, Sephiroth/Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife, Yuffie Kisaragi/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Aerith Gainsborough/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 7
Kudos: 146





	The Bachelor

**Author's Note:**

> So I had a migraine about a week ago, and couldn't really do much for the rest of the day except lie on the couch and watch TV. Whenever I feel really sick, I like to put on ridiculous TV shows to take my mind off of it, so I ended up watching the Bachelorette and, well...This happened.

“Your guests are all waiting for you inside! Are you ready?”

Cloud blinked his eyes open slowly, confused as to how he got from his bedroom in Edge to this place, standing here on a rounded cobblestone drive outside of a frighteningly large mansion that looked like it belonged in Costa Del Sol. And standing in front of him, clad in her luxurious red Wall Market gown like she had never changed out of it, was Aerith.

“Aren’t you excited, Cloud?” She asked, clapping her hands together eagerly. “Just imagine, somewhere inside of those walls, sitting there right now, could be The One!”

“Huh?” he asked dumbly.

Giggling fondly, she lurched forward and grabbed his arm, white heels clicking merrily across the stone ground. “Come on, silly!” she laughed, tugging on his sleeve and pulling him toward the doorway.

Wait – since when did he wear long sleeves?

Since when did he wear a _suit?_

He was so discombobulated that he almost didn’t process her next words.

“Let’s go see if we can’t find your future spouse!”

“My future _what_ now!?!”

As soon as they were through the door, a chorus of loud cheers bombarded his ears. His eyes widened as he took in the sight before him. Sitting around in the luxurious lounge, dressed to the nines in all kind of finery, was a cast of achingly familiar faces, some still fresh in his mind and others long gone.

Aerith shoved him forward into the room with surprising strength, unbridled glee radiating off of her in almost tangible waves. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she cried over the din, “I present to you, your Bachelor!”

…

“Aerith,” he asked calmly, after pulling the Cetra aside, “What the hell is this?”

She giggled, covering her smiling mouth with dainty fingers as she leaned forward and poked him in the chest conspiratorially. “Oh, relax, Cloud! Just have some fun, okay?”

“You haven’t answered my question!” he hissed, uncomfortably adjusting his tie. Damn those things felt restricting. No wonder he never wore them.

She swatted his shoulder playfully. “Now where would be the fun in that?” Before he could protest she was linking them arm in arm, steering him back towards the lounge. “You don’t have to make your mind up about anything right now,” she explained, as if somehow that answered his question. “Just visit a bit, get a feel for the room. Chat it up with a few people. You never know what might happen!”

“Aerith -,” he started, but the former flower girl was nothing if not determined. She shoved him forward bodily. He jolted when he felt her hand connect sharply with his rear, turning to give her an indignant look.

She winked. “Go get ‘em, tiger!”

…

“…and I was just, like, watching all these people get married and start families, and I just kept asking myself, ‘why can’t I have that?’”

Cloud shifted uncomfortably, watching the shy, eager-eyed woman next to him with growing unease. This was _not_ the Tifa he remembered.

“And that’s when I heard about the show, and I thought, ‘why not?’ You know?”

The blonde blinked vapidly, suddenly realizing she was waiting for a response. “Um…yeah, totally.”

The brunette sighed, a slow blush creeping onto her cheeks, burgundy eyes meeting his tentatively. “I’m not normally this forward, to be honest. But…I just feel really comfortable around you – like we’ve known each other for years or something.” She shifted, her leg poking tantalizingly out from the slit in her tight black dress. Cloud looked away quickly, hoping his attention hadn’t been noticed.

“Hey,” the barmaid said softly, a smile forming on her shining face. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Cloud swallowed. He’d forgotten how easy it was to get lost in those bright, wine-red eyes. He was opening his mouth, maybe to say something, when a boisterous voice interrupted them.

“Hey! You mind if I steal him for a sec?”

“Jessie!?”

The girl in question batted her eyes playfully before tossing him a sultry wink. “Remembered my name, did you, Hun? Aw, I’m flattered.”

Cloud just sat there, jaw hanging loose, staring at the bombmaker as Tifa reluctantly stood to trade places with her. The playful brunette crossed her legs, eyeing him up and down shamelessly. “I know I’m pretty, but am I really that jaw-dropping?” she teased.

The blonde snapped his mouth closed, cheeks flaming. “You’re so cute, you know that?” The bombmaker pressed, eyes glittering mischievously, “and shy.” She leaned forward, her painted red lips pulling into a teasing smirk, “I like that.”

Cloud swallowed nervously. It had been a while since he’d been on the receiving end of Jessie’s aggressive flirtations. She laughed, taking in his unsure expression. “I’m just playing with you! I’m high energy, ya know? Like _real_ high energy. Keep me around long enough and you just might find out firsthand,” She added with a wink, as if he was supposed to know what that meant.

Cloud just stared at her dumbly.

She giggled, slapping him playfully on the arm. “Just you wait ‘til we get to the fantasy suites. I bet I can show you all _sorts_ of things.”

Clouds eyed bugged wide. “The fantasy WHAT - now?”

Jessie just laughed again, eyes glinting mischievously. “Oh you - so funny.” She sighed, making to get to her feet. “Well I’d better go back inside. Always better to leave ‘em wanting more, right?” She gave him another lascivious wink, before sashaying away, swinging her hips tantalizingly. Just before she disappeared around the corner however, she turned, grinning from ear to ear.

“Psych!”

…

“Hey! Thought I might find you here!”

Cloud’s head shot up at the familiar voice. “Z-Zack?”

The raven-haired SOLDIER spread his arms wide, face breaking out into a wide grin. “The one and only!” Vaulting over to him, he plopped himself down next to the blonde, throwing an arm over the back of the bench casually. 

“How you doing, Cloudy? Mind if I call you Cloudy?”

The blonde sputtered, “I, uh-,”

“Great! So, where are you from, Cloudy?”

Too stunned to process what was happening he answered simply, “Nibelheim.”

“No way! Really!??” The man’s face lit up, and something in Cloud’s heart lurched painfully. He almost wanted to cry. Dammit he’d missed the man so much. “I knew there was a reason I liked you!” A strong arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into a side-hug. “I’m from Gongaga - us country boys gotta stick together, huh?”

Fighting off a violent wave of déjà vu, Cloud gave a shy smile.

Zack, taking the gesture as encouragement, pulled the blonde in closer, messing a hand in his hair playfully. “So what are you into, huh? What’s a guy like me gotta do to get a date with a hot number like you?”

“Zack,” Cloud frowned, pulling away, “don’t you have a girlfriend?”

The SOLDIER shot him a flirtatious look, eyebrows wiggling playing. “Don’t you worry about it, Cloudy. She’s cool with it!”

…

Cloud rounded on Aerith the moment he got her alone.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re playing at, huh?”

The Cetra smirked knowingly, spreading her hands in a rather feeble display of innocence. “What’s the matter _Cloudy_?”

Jolted by the nickname, he rounded on her suspiciously. “Did you know that Zack wants to share me between the two of you?”

Aerith giggled. “Uh-huh! It was my idea actually,” she said with a wink.

Biting back a snarl of frustration – which only seemed to amuse her even more – he grit out, “Just what the hell is going on here?”

She giggled, wagging a finger in front of his face. “Come on, Cloud. Aren’t you glad to see everyone again?”

“Not like this!” Cloud protested. “This is just...it’s weird, Aerith! It’s just weird!”

Her green eyes – the exact shade of the lifestream - gleamed wickedly. “Just trust the process, Cloud. If you keep an open mind and an open heart, I know you can find the right match.” She wrapped an arm around the blonde’s larger shoulders, steering him so that he could look into the lushly decorated room where the guests were gathered, drinking and snacking merrily. “Your future spouse could be in that room, Cloud.”

The blonde hissed furiously, ducking out of the Cetra’s embrace. “You’re insane,” he pouted.

Aerith tutted lightly. “I hope you’re going to take this seriously,” she admonished. “All these people are here for _you_.”

Cloud shook his head. “What the fuck does that even _mean_?”

The Cetra just grinned mischievously as she danced out of reach.

Cloud sighed, leaning back against the heavy curtains he used to conceal his and Aerith’s conversation, when a faint voice trickled through his enhanced ears.

“I don’t know, I’m just not sure he’s here for the right reasons, you know?”

He peaked out from his hiding spot, brow furrowing in confusion when he spotted Elena, who appeared to be in tears and holding an empty wineglass in her hand, talking to Jessie.

“You’re overthinking it, girl. Maybe just take it easy on the drinks for now? I’m sure everything will make more sense when you’re more level-headed.”

Elena huffed, almost tripping over the train of her yellow dress. “I’m not drunk!” She protested. “I’m always like this!”

Shaking his head, Cloud stepped away from the window. None of this was making sense.

…

“Wooh! Let’s partaayyy!!!!”

Clouds eyes snapped over to the pool, where a very familiar redhead was splashing around with a drink in his hand, and laughing raucously.

“Good lord,” Cloud muttered.

Beside him, Biggs sighed. “There’s always that one guy who can’t hold his liquor.”

…

"Hey babe," a sultry voice called over his shoulder. "You wanna know what really makes _my_ engine purr?"

"Nope." Cloud barely cast a glance at the dirty blonde mullet - just kept walking. 

...

Yuffie pulled him off to the side. “Hey, so I saw you were really hitting it off with Cid.”

“What? No I-“

“I just thought I should let you know that like, there are these rumors going around that he has this girlfriend at home or something.”

Cloud furrowed his brow and Yuffie threw her hands up in innocence. “Look I don’t know what’s true or not, but like, I know that everyone else is here to find love, and I’m just not sure he’s here for the right reasons.”

“Right...”

“I’m just letting you know because I care about you, and like, I don’t want you to get caught up in a situation where you’re just gonna get hurt.”

“Yeah...right, uh...thanks Yuffie.”

“Of course!” The ninja reached out to place a hand on his arm, peering intently into his eyes. “I mean, I’m here for you, right? I just want you to be happy.”

…

The large man kept shifting his eyes anxiously away, meaty fingers gripping his scotch glass so tightly it looked like he might break it.

“I don’t get out much,” he confessed. “Damn, if I ain’t a bit nervous!” He laughed uncomfortably, before growing suddenly somber. “I...I gotta little girl, ya see. She’s my world. It’s hard sometimes, being a single dad. Do you think you’re the kind of guy who’d want to be part of a family like that?”

Clouds eyes widened in horror. Was Barret Wallace really asking him if he was interested in becoming a stepdad? Stepmom? Gaia, he was finally going insane, wasn’t he?

…

He’d been trying to avoid mingling for a bout an hour now when he spotted a familiar head of silver hair off in the corner. Huffing angrily, he grabbed Aerith’s arm and pulled her over to the side yet again.

“What the hell is _he_ doing here?” he hissed.

Aerith eyed him innocently. “He’s here as a potential suitor, just like everyone else!”

“Why would you possibly-,”

“Oh hush, Cloud,” she tutted, pressing a finger to his lips to silence him. She winked at him, a slightly sadistic glint in her eyes. She leaned in close, to whisper in his ear, “I know for a fact you used to fantasize about this as a child.”

She pulled back, adjusting Cloud’s tie and giggling at the horrified expression on his face. She smiled, patting his burning cheek lightly. “Go on, then! Get back out there and mingle!”

Huffing in annoyance, the blonde stumbled forward, Aerith’s tittering laughter echoing in his flaming red ears. “It wasn’t _exactly_ like this,” he muttered bitterly.

…

“So, uh…”

They sat shock-straight, as far apart as the tiny loveseat would allow. Neither met the others gaze. Cloud cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably.

The silver-haired man sighed, seeming almost embarrassed as he finally spoke, “I don’t normally do this thing, you know? But as soon as I heard it was you, I just knew I had to be here.”

Cloud scratched the back of his head awkwardly, wishing he could put more distance between him and the other man.

Sephiroth turned to him, eyes bright. “It’s just, I feel as if we have this connection, like there’s something between us. You have to feel it too, don’t you?

Cloud coughed, struggling to find the right words. He landed on, “Um...sure,”

Sephiroth sighed, looking relieved. “I’m so glad you feel the same.”

Cloud nodded, “right, yeah...”

There was another tense moment of silence before the Silver General spoke again.

“I knew my mother was right about you.”

Cloud nearly jumped from the couch. “What!?”

“Hmm?” Sephiroth tilted his head questioningly, before understanding dawned. “Oh, my mother-,” he explained, “I was kind of against this whole process, but she was adamant that you were the one for me. Said it was super important for us to be together.”

Cloud _really_ didn’t want to ask which mother he was referring to.

Sephiroth nodded. “I had my doubts but I can feel that this is right. Something tells me that you’re my other half.” He looked at Cloud, suddenly seeming much more confident. “You’d fit in so well with my family, they’d welcome you like one of our own.” He chuckled, more to himself than anything else. “The annual Reunions might seem a bit much at first, but I’m sure you’ll get used to them.”

Cloud groaned, head falling into his hands. He needed some air.

…

“So who are you gonna give the first impression rose to?”

“The first impression WHAT?”

Aerith beamed at him. “Oh come on, silly! The first impression rose! Anyone here caught your eye?”

Out of the corner of his gaze cloud saw Sephiroth staring at him, eyes gleaming possessively.

Cloud stood, feeling the sudden need to bolt for the exit. “Yeah, I’ll just go think about it.”

…

“Yo blondie, pretty surprised seeing you here. Didn’t know you swung that way.”

Cloud glared at the approaching redhead. “You’re here too, Reno,” he pointed out tightly.

The turk snorted. “Well yeah, but it’s not exactly a surprise about me, is it? You’re the one whose all about repressed guilt and internalized shame and all that shit.”

The blonde rolled his eyes. “Very inspiring.”

“So,” the redhead asked, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Who you thinking of going after, huh? Me I’ve got my I on that hot little Asian number.”

Cloud frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to be dating me?”

Reno shrugged, leaning back against the brick wall, lips curling in an obnoxiously familiar smirk. “Why limit yourself to only one?” He remarked casually. “Monogamy is for the weak, pal. You’d realize it too if you took the stick out of your ass for just a moment.”

Cloud hissed, wishing he could just punch the turk, but somehow he figured that was against the rules. “Stay away from Yuffie!” He snapped instead, stalking towards the pool.

…

The red-eyed turk stared at him closely.

“So uh…what brings you here?” Cloud asked, trying to break the silence.

Vincent hummed. Unlike the other guests, he had refused to dress up and was still clad in his tattered red-cloak. “My last relationship ended…badly. I’m hoping maybe this time I’ll find the right person for me.”

Cloud nodded. “Right…um…got any hobbies?” he ventured.

Vincent narrowed his eyes. “I’m rather adept at destruction and intrigue.”

“Great, that’s just…great.”

…

“So, how do you feel about dogs?”

“Huh?”

The white clad man was eyeing him assessingly. “I have a dog. He’s a very important part of my life. Would that bother you?”

“Um…no?” It sounded way too much like Rufus Shinra was trying to figure out if they were compatible.

“He’s a trained attack dog, I should warn you, but don’t worry. He’s very well trained. He can sense weakness though.” The paler blonde narrowed his eyes, leaning forward as if Cloud’s face held the answers he was looking for. “You’re not a meek individual, are you?”

Cloud quirked an eyebrow. “No,” he said firmly. Reserved, maybe. Quiet, yes. But meek? Definitely not.

Rufus pulled back, looking satisfied. “Good. I should let you know, I’m a very rich man. I’m set to inherit an obscene amount of money, so you’d want for nothing.”

Cloud rolled his eyes. Of course, the spoiled child would take this as an opportunity to flex his wealth. “Money isn’t everything, you know,” he told the other stiffly, rising to his feet to find a new part of the house to hide away in. 

Rufus scoffed, shaking his head in disappointment. “And here I was, thinking we were getting along so well.” 

…

Stalking through the softly lit hallway, he was stopped dead in his tracks by the sight of a mascara-smeared woman crying softly in the corner and apparently speaking to no one in particular.

“Why is it always me?” She bemoaned, “It’s just so hard, you know? Like, you try so hard but it’s just not in the stars.”

Cloud gaped in horror at the sobbing Elena before ducking down a different hall that hopefully led to silence.

Just what _was_ this world?

…

“So? What do you think? Making any good connections?”

Cloud scowled. “Am I supposed to have?”

Aerith sighed dejectedly, throwing her hands up in annoyance. “You’re never going to find someone with that attitude, Cloud. You need to _open your heart_ – just trust the process!”

The blonde snorted. “Has this ‘process’ of yours ever actually worked for anyone before?”

“Of course!” she answered quickly. Too quickly.

Cloud narrowed his eyes. “How many times?”

“Once or twice? Anyways it hardly matters – this is about you and _your_ quest to find love – so let’s go find it!” Grabbing him by the arm far too roughly to be anything other than suspicious, the Cetra shepherded him back into the main room.

“Aerith wait –,” he managed to pull away for a second, heart clenching is grief. “I just…I wanted to say I’m sorry, for everything…”

The Cetra smiled sadly, pulling him into a brief embrace before grabbing his hand again. “No sorry necessary. Now come on! Let’s go have some fun before you wake up!”

Cloud allowed himself to be pulled after her, only registering her words a moment later. “Huh?”

….

...

...

“Cloud? Are you awake?”

The blonde blinked his eyes open groggily, shrugging away the brightly colored images of his dreams and shifting under the covers so he could catch a glimpse of the small figure huddled in the doorway.

“Denzel?” he called.

The boy shuffled closer, holding a blanket around his shoulders as he shivered.

“You okay?” He winced as a pang shot through his lower abdomen. Great. Just what he needed. An upset stomach.

Denzel shook his head, groaning slightly. “I think that pasta Tifa cooked gave me food-poisoning,” he grumbled, making his way closer to the bed.

“What makes you say that?”

The boy huffed, pulling himself onto the edge of the mattress and wrapping himself tighter in his blanket. “My belly wants to kill me, and I’ve been having weird dreams all night.”

Cloud suppressed a smile, reaching out to pull the boy into a hug. “You might be onto something there, kid.”

He swore he could hear Aerith’s tinkling laughter streaming in through the open window.


End file.
